August 31st, 2019

We’re sitting out the back deck having lunch. Peaceful. Quiet. We often like just to be still together.  We watched as the neighbour’s cat stalked a bird, lulling it into a false sense of security, waiting to pounce.
 
Sometimes a long-term relationship feels like that; thinking it’s OK until some pesky personal problem pounces on you from behind.
 
You know, I used to feel like that bird when you used to lie to me.
 
Yeah? Well I still feel that way when you correct me.
 
(Ouch! and Touché!)
 
You’d think that after thirty years, two counselling courses, specialist psychiatry qualifications, and learning and applying couples’ therapy courses, I could let sleeping dogs and pouncing cats lie. But … not quite. Something made me say it. It’s very good here on cloud eight, but sometimes the stalking cat comes out in us. (We take turns at this).
 
In a long-term relationship, solving problems isn’t always important, (really? Yes!!) but it’s very important how you handle them. That’s what studies consistently show.[i] If you can support each other through problems, and handle problems with affection, and even a little humour, you do well. Keep a lighter attitude and stay united together against the problem.
 
Here’s the bottom line: There is no such thing as a relationship problem. Your relationship is not a problem it is your greatest asset to help you handle problems, if you can team up against the problem.
 
There is no such thing as a relationship problem.
Your relationship is your greatest asset.
 
It helps to identify the real problem; for example …
 
She’s alway puts her needs ahead of mine. You don’t have a relationship problem her selfishness is the problem. Together you can manage it.
 
He’s a workaholic. I’m always last on his list! You don’t have a relationship problem, he has a priorities problem. Together you can manage it.
 
He looks at other women, this hurts me! You don’t have a relationship problem he has a “wandering-eye” problem. Together you can help him see better.
 
She never listens, she just talks at me!  You don’t have a relationship problem she has a “mouth and inner-ear balance” problem. Together you can help her hear better.
 
Problems come from many sources: parenting, extended family, finances, cultures, personalities, priorities, political or religious differences, society, drug and alcohol issues, work, health, broken dreams, high expectations, perfectionism, control issues, busyness … and more.
 
Notice “your relationship” is not on the list.
 
Identify the real problem and work on it together.
 
Talk. Share. Identify and work on problems before they fester. It’s useless to say nothing and hope the problem goes away. Things don’t usually get better by themselves (remember entropy). So; get on top of finances before the arguments; get on top of selfishness before resentment sets in; get on top of being a workaholic before you lose out big-time; get on top of differing values before you drift too far apart; get on top of social media before you don’t have time for each other.
 
Solve a problem if you can (sometimes) or manage it (more likely). Some things can change but most need to be accepted. We all have personality flaws, for instance, and these are difficult for any of us to shift. The love is in the trying. Try to change, just a bit, and your partner can appreciate your efforts. Change is often slow and difficult, so you will need to manage most problems. Together.
 
Identify the real problem and work on it together.
It may change but often needs to be accepted.
The love is in the trying.
Share the load together.
 
How to handle personality problems? Try heart and humour:
 
Would you like some milk before the cat in you pounces on me?
 
More on heart and humour next month.
 

[i] See Storaasli, Ragnar D., and Howard J. Markman. "Relationship problems in the early stages of marriage: A longitudinal investigation." Journal of Family Psychology 4.1 (1990): 80 and Johnson, Matthew D., et al. "Problem-solving skills and affective expressions as predictors of change in marital satisfaction." Journal of consulting and clinical psychology 73.1 (2005): 15.