Your Relationship is your Greatest Asset
Julie and Sergei were in my office wondering what was going wrong. We see other couples hand in hand, talking, laughing. So good together, happy, in love. But we struggle. We barely talk, and if we do, we argue. We both want a good relationship. This doesn’t feel right.
If both of you really want it better, you can have it better.
I shared some true stories of people on cloud nine. People like …
Musicians Helen and John, together nine years and touring overseas lots. We met while studying at the conservatorium. We’re best friend, lovers, and we make beautiful music together all the time.
Professionals Charles and Marlene, together three years after messy divorces. We’re both so happy! He hates it whenever I’m away. We have a real spark, and great sex. He treats me like an angel. Life couldn’t be better.
School teachers Sandra and Phillip, together thirteen years and love their weekly Latin dancing. When my sister divorced, I told Sandra we would never break up. Why should we? We laugh, have fun and keep fit together. Having kids has added to our happiness.
We all want it. Life on cloud nine: love, laughter, fun, sex and glamour.
Don’t be fooled though. I know all of these real-life couples. They seemed happy, but are all now divorced.
You just don’t know what’s going on in another relationship. Chances are that they go through tough times, just like you, and have problems, just like you.
Don’t compare your problems with other couples’ appearances
A good, strong relationship actually lives on cloud eight, enjoying good times and sticking together through hard times. Here’s the reality, the stories of real-life “cloud eight” couples.
Alma and Freddy, three kids, twenty-two years together. We don’t handle conflict well and we don’t resolve things. She battles depression, and I often feel alone with my work stress. But my wife and family are the best thing that ever happened to me.
Colleen and Bill, together fourteen years, run a crisis centre for homeless children. Soon after we married he had an affair. It hurt bad. I still cry about it. It’s made me more jealous and controlling. Still, he knows me so well. He knows how to make me happy. And he does. I’m thankful, even though it’ll never be perfect.
Skye and Kyle, seven years together after separate divorces. Kyle is unemployed and PTSD-anger plagues him. Skye is understanding, but struggles with her weight and low mood. Living with mental illness is no fun, but when he’s well and it’s just the two of us, life is amazing.
Iris and Vlad, together forty-two years.
I know her well. You don’t think her demands, criticisms, and moods drive me crazy? The hell they do. But she’s also loving and caring. A good woman.
Oh yeah? Well he’s a selfish slob who drinks too much. But he’s loyal, patient, and warm. A good man.
Sorry to burst your romantic bubble, but a real relationship takes the good with the bad. It stays together through big problems, and yes, I know that some problems can get very big.
It’s OK to have problems. It’s great if you can handle them. It’s just not helpful to walk away from them. Work on life on cloud eight with occasional visits to cloud nine.
Science have proven the benefits of a personal relationship:
It protects your emotional health and wellbeing.[i]
It protects your physical health.[ii]
It protects you against loneliness.[iii]
It protects your resilience.[iv]
It protects you against unhappiness.[v]
It protects you against addictions.[vi]
It protects you against anxiety, bipolar and depression.[vii]
It protects you against suicide.[viii]
This is not idealistic babble. This is scientific fact. No pill can do all this. A good relationship is your great asset. It lets you share good times, share bad times, and journey together through this crazy thing called life. If your relationship is good, you end up with half the problems and twice the fun, even if that means life on cloud eight.
On your deathbed, you won’t be counting up the money or the travel adventures, you’ll ask yourself have I loved and have I been loved?
Love is life’s bottom line.
Next month I’ll talk about handling relationship problems.
[i] Waite, Linda J., and Evelyn L. Lehrer. "The benefits from marriage and religion in the United States: A comparative analysis." Population and Development Review 29.2 (2003): 255-275.
[ii] Wilson, Chris M., and Andrew J. Oswald. "How does marriage affect physical and psychological health? A survey of the longitudinal evidence." (2005).
[iii] Woodward, John C., Jackie Zabel, and Cheryl DeCosta. "Loneliness and divorce." Journal of Divorce 4.1 (1981): 73-82, and de Jong Gierveld, Jenny, Theo Van Tilburg, and Pearl Dykstra. "Loneliness and social isolation." (2016).
[iv] Oswald, Ramona Faith. "Resilience within the family networks of lesbians and gay men: Intentionality and redefinition." Journal of Marriage and Family 64.2 (2002): 374-383.
[v] Easterlin, Richard A. "Explaining happiness." Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 100.19 (2003): 11176-11183.
[vi] Johann Hari “Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs retrieved 26 May 2017.
[vii] Weissman, Myrna M., et al. "Cross-national epidemiology of major depression and bipolar disorder." Jama 276.4 (1996): 293-299.
[viii] See for example Trovato, Frank. "A longitudinal analysis of divorce and suicide in Canada." Journal of Marriage and the Family (1987): 193-203, and Stack, Steven. "The impact of divorce on suicide in Norway, 1951-1980." Journal of Marriage and the Family (1989): 229-238.
Welcome to our blog. Each blog contains an insight into your relationship and how to mend or grow it drawn from Christian's 18 years of clinical experience working in psychiatry. They are told as stories. The central ideas are in bold. All the pictures are originals. We post once a month. Looking forward to travelling with you in this amazing journey called life.