Your Relationship is your Greatest Asset
“You’re not listening to me!”
Have you ever said this or been told this by your love-partner?
This week we are going to have a break from our journey stories and do a little brain exercise.
Stop what you are doing right now, close your eyes and listen. Listen. Yes, I mean right now, listen. What can you hear? The loud sounds, the repetitive sounds, the hums, the murmurs. Really listen. Listen for details. Listen for about a minute.
OK, so that’s your first step into listening.
Now ask yourself the question “how do those sounds make me feel?” Secure? Lonely? Annoyed? Bored? Good. Now you are active listening.
This was a simple exercise, but for that whole time you were activating one area of your brain that we rarely use in our extra world. Because of all the distractions and attention grabbing, we almost need to learn how to listen from scratch.
This morning I was standing out on my verandah while a wild storm raged around me. I was so overwhelmed by the sounds of nature that I momentarily forgot my work worries, family worries, friend worries, cat worries, health worries. The sounds of nature can be so healing, they can also teach us how to listen. Here is an exercise Christian has developed to help you to shut out the clamouring world and re-learn how to listen.
Get out in nature. Find a spot to relax and be undisturbed. Take a decent chunk of time, at least an hour. Lie on the grass, sit on a bench, on sand or wherever. Look around to familiarise yourself with nature’s wonder. Take a few deep breathes. Relax.
Then close your eyes and just listen.
Hear; then listen; then actively listen. Open up your thoughts and feelings and allow the sounds, however short or quiet, to affect your inner world.
Ask yourself these questions.
What is that sound?
Why is it happening now?
What does it remind me of?
What emotions does it evoke in me?
What other thoughts does the sound lead me to?
Move on to another sound and follow through the same questions. There may be four or five dominant sounds around you. Listen to silence as well, and work through the same questions.
Do this task in a nature location. Find a space, have some time, and have a willingness to listen. The experience can do wonders.
Learning to actively listen to nature sounds lays the groundwork for deep listening to another human being: you just have to be there, sounds come at you, there is nothing to judge, there is no problem to solve, and you cultivate warm feelings of trust just by being in nature. (taken from Heim Listen: how to)
Listening is all about trust, time and selflessness. I know the times when I am not listening. These are usually the thoughts that are going on in my head:
Planning what my next activity for the day will be
Making judgements about what the other person is saying.
Thinking about what I will say next.
Thinking about how the other person is perceiving me.
Thinking about how I look (yes, my appearance) while I am listening.
When I want to deeply listen to another human being, I have to put all of that inner dialogue aside and really be there. Heart, soul and mind. Just as I am overwhelmed by nature during a storm, I have learnt to be overwhelmed by another person’s emotions, not my own. If you take on this simple skill of listening, you can say “OK, I’m listening” to your love-partner and go deeper in your relationship. Listening is a gift you give someone else.
Welcome to our blog. Each blog contains an insight into your relationship and how to mend or grow it drawn from Christian's 18 years of clinical experience working in psychiatry. They are told as stories. The central ideas are in bold. All the pictures are originals. We post every fortnight and would love to hear your comments. Looking forward to travelling with you in this amazing journey called life.