Your Relationship is your Greatest Asset
“He must have landed by now.”
“His phone’s dead so he can’t let us know.”
We were at the international airport, in traditional Australian costume:
Hats with corks hanging off them
Australian flags in our hair
Weet-bix as a food offering
Waiting for our son to arrive home after 2 years in London.
He hates any fuss.
We have a tradition of fun-filled welcomes, as you will see.
We finally caught sight of him and burst into loud song:
“Give me a home among the gumtrees…a sheep or two and a kangaroo”
He took one look at us and cheekily walked in the opposite direction. We followed him keeping up the singing for three rounds. He finally succumbed to a warm hug from his brother.
I hate airports. Let me clarify: Arrivals are fun, I hate departures.
Early in our relationship, I said goodbye too many times…and it hurt. Out of my stubbornness and pride I often chose to leave rather than stay. Society kept telling me that independence was better than dependence. That I needed to meet lots of guys before settling for one. That toughing it out bred resilience and success.
The only thing that toughing it out bred for me was loneliness.
Stuck in the city that never sleeps for seven long years, I felt the aching depths of loneliness: crying myself to sleep, walking down the busiest streets in the world feeling utterly alone, catching the elevator up and down just to talk to someone. That was a time of despair.
Christian encounters loneliness in his office far too often:
Twenty-two year old Jasmine was sobbing. Do you think I sleep with so many guys because I like sex? No. I put up with their paws and smells to try to get rid of my loneliness. That’s what all of my girlfriends do.
Thirty-three year old Brendan was being treated for depression. I get so lonely. I look at dating sites and they make me feel even lonelier. After a date, a girl finds some excuse not to see me again. Am I that ugly? These experiences leave him more lonely and depressed. (Heim, 2017)
This is scary.
Commitment to a long-term relationship prevents loneliness.
A long-term relationship gives us belonging, love, security, protection, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share joy with, to share sadness with, to share love, sex, hopes, dreams and past hurts. It gives us someone to grow old with. It protects us from naval-gazing, drifting, getting lost, and, above all, it protects us from loneliness.
The brain hates loneliness.
Many fears and vices – alcohol excess, drug use, gambling, risky sex – are borne of loneliness. And people in a long term relationship fare much better battling depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, anorexia, or schizophrenia. Much better. In many cases, it makes the difference between life and death. (Heim, 2017)
The warm feelings that you feel getting off a plane into the arms of your loved ones is the flip-side of loneliness.
The time between being with your parents to finding your partner and starting your own family is getting longer and longer. It can mean independence, experience, adventure, but no-one talks about the cost: loneliness underneath it all.
Jasmine sleeps with lots of guys to alleviate loneliness. Brendan looks to dating sites to overcome depression. Sure, a long term relationship has to be with the right person, but it took a certain incident at an airport to make me realize that he was right in front of me.
I was arriving home after another long trip in NYC, toughing it out and being independent. As I went through the doors in the arrivals lounge I searched everywhere for Christian but couldn’t find him. My heart fell to the ground; the aching returned. Then a strange thing happened. I saw a person dressed in a gorilla suit holding a sign:
“Wanted: Beautiful Redhead.
Aim: Long-term relationship.”
Surprised? Yes. Feeling exposed? Yes. But I had the warmest hug I have ever had. Although Christian often drives me crazy and our values frequently clash, I have come to love the gorilla in him. That warm, furry embrace has kept me secure, fulfilled and at home in the midst of many stormy times.
Wishing you all many happy arrivals.
For a video of "the arrival" see our Instagram: relationship_asset
Welcome to our blog. Each blog contains an insight into your relationship and how to mend or grow it drawn from Christian's 18 years of clinical experience working in psychiatry. They are told as stories. The central ideas are in bold. All the pictures are originals. We post once a month. Looking forward to travelling with you in this amazing journey called life.