Your Relationship is your Greatest Asset
We were driving to work along a busy major highway and someone had dangerously pulled in front of us causing us to brake.
“Honk!” Christian hit the horn of our car. Hard. Loud.
I hate it when he does that. It draws attention and I hate the attention.
“What did he think he was doing!”
Christian was exasperated and had a good rant for the next five minutes. He wasn’t particularly angry with the driver, but he used this opportunity to complain about everything that’s wrong with the world. He likes a good complain but I feel the need to save him (and me) from his overwhelming mood.
I tried everything:
I changed the subject
I talked about what he had to do at work that day
I even complained about how bad my headache was…to get his sympathy (that usually works). But no, he kept complaining.
We moved into the next lane to overtake as we needed to exit. As we passed the erratic driver I slunk down into my seat with embarrassment so he couldn’t see me.
A fortnight ago we looked at turtle and a chimp profiles in relationships. Christian had just displayed some choice chimpish behaviour and here I was, hiding back in my turtle shell, trying to calm and soothe and pretend nothing had happened. So what does it look like when turtles and chimps are in love? Or more importantly, when the two personality types clash.
A chimp may say they aren’t getting enough love, companionship, understanding, conversation, sex or attention. The poor turtle withdraws into a shell to protect itself from the onslaught, leaving the poor chimp with what seems like less love, affection and attention. The chimp then criticizes and demands more, leading the turtle to withdraw more, leading to more screeching by the chimp.
The remedy is to recognize that the chimp is acting out of love. The chimp wants love, understanding, warmth and more of the person they are so in love with. The chimp is trying to get these things the best way it knows how: by being a chimp.
The turtle, too, is acting out of love. The turtle wants to be safe and secure. The turtle is trying to protect itself but, out of love, it is also trying to protect the relationship and even the chimp. The turtle wants to save the poor chimp from any bad moods or complaints the turtle has. Turtles often don’t like their own bad moods so they don’t want to inflict them on others (chimps are quite willing to share their bad moods). The turtle thinks that not sharing these and avoiding conflict is the best way of sharing secure, harmonious love. The turtle wants gentle, secure love and is trying to get it the best way it knows how: by being a turtle.
The chimp needs to soften up and make things safe for the turtle. The turtle needs to come out of its shell and share more. Safe conversations help. (For more see Heim Relationship Asset, 67)
As I slid back up into my normal sitting position I took Christian’s hand.
“Are you really more comfortable on the floor?” he joked and laughed. I decided to try laughing too. It worked. I felt better, he felt better and we felt we were living on the same planet again. Yes, 27 years of marriage together and I still need to be encouraged to come out of my turtle shell. Heart and humour always help.
“What can I do to make things easier for you?” he said gently.
Wow! That came from left field. Now I knew we were no longer on the planet of the apes. (Believe me, with Christian it feels that way sometimes).With a genuine, heart-felt comment, he provided a safe place for me to emerge out of my shell and disclose and that just gave me a bit more courage.
Yesterday, with glee, I honked at a car that cut me off. We all have a bit of turtle and a bit of chimp in us underneath.
News Flash: We have just finished recording our first relaxation exercise to classical music. Christian is on piano and I am taking you through the relaxation. Follow this link https://youtu.be/UvthN3tvTY4
Welcome to our blog. Each blog contains an insight into your relationship and how to mend or grow it drawn from Christian's 18 years of clinical experience working in psychiatry. They are told as stories. The central ideas are in bold. All the pictures are originals. We post once a month. Looking forward to travelling with you in this amazing journey called life.