Relationships: 7 tips to help handle problems

Apologies, we have had technical problems here is the post, we are now back on track

​Why did this mountain have to be so high on such a hot day when I’m growing older and have a million things to do at home?
 
Yes. I like to complain. Lots. Can’t help it. Caroline complains about my complaining, lovingly makes fun of it, I try to laugh back.
 
If you have unsolvable problems, join the club; heart and humor makes the difference. Keeping humour for big problems may be difficult, but you can always remain affectionate. With heart (affection) and humor, the person next to you is your friend and ally, not rival or enemy.
 
Stay united with heart and humour.
 
“Heart” keeps the love flowing even during arguments: a touch, smile, encouragement, and listening. These unite you. Touch is particularly reassuring.[1] When a child is distressed, it’s natural to take their hand to say I’ll help you through this. Touching your partner during conflict is like holding hands as you cross a dangerous road together.
 
Humor and laughter release feel good chemicals in the brain and link our thinking and feeling. This is very important in problems and conflict when rationality is often lost. Helpful humor – joking and fun, not sarcasm or put-downs – enhances relationships, reduces tension and promotes well-being.[2]
 
Not everyone grows up with humour. For some it’s a foreign concept. Have a go. You may need to yell your partner I’m trying to be funny!! Also, support your partner’s attempts at humour, no matter how lame. You’ll both grow to like it.
 
Here are seven tips to keep heart and humor during problems.
 
#1. Show affection. Whatever the problem: listen (both ways), hold hands, caress, encourage, affirm each other with high-fives when making progress. Use gentle loving words, even if things get heated or bitterly cold.
 
#2. Discuss affection. Consider these questions.
How can we increase our expression of affection?
Hpw can we express more affection while in conflict?
                                                                
#3.  Team up against any problem. It’s two against one: you and me against the problem. When you oppose each other, you’ll start to blame. With affection, you remain united even against your temper or my trust issues.
 
#4. Try humor. Whatever the problem, when it’s OK to, make light, see the funny side, and explore bizarre options just for fun. Support each other in your attempts to use humor and lightness. Try to find the silly child in you and your partner.
 
#5. Discuss humor. Consider these questions.
How can we increase smiles, playfulness and humor?
How can we express humor at difficult times?
 
#6.  Use affection during arguments. This is disarming, it’s hard to be too angry while a person is being affectionate. It gives the message that we are not going to break up over this. It’s hard to do but the pay-off is big: give soft touches, looks of encouragement, and say heatedly and that’s another thing! I love you very much!!
 
#7. Use humor during arguments. Humor is bonding, diffuses tension, keeps perspective, and links thinking and feeling. Conflict does the opposite. Helpful humor stops you saying things you’ll regret. Just don’t use humor to avoid the issue or to hide your feelings. Try these:
 
Is this gonna be a long or a short argument?
Should I make a cup of tea or should we argue over dinner?
Do you want make-up sex before or after the argument?
Sorry, I’m just staring at that beautiful freckle on your nose.
Before we go further, I want to apologize for the next three things I’ll say.
Can I phone a friend before I answer that?
 
At any time you can put on a big red nose.
 
Next blog, we’ll get to actually try to solve the mountain of problems.
 


[1] Wardell, Diane Wind, and Kathryn F. Weymouth. "Review of studies of healing touch." Journal of Nursing Scholarship 36.2 (2004): 147-154. See also https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201503/8-reasons-why-we-need-human-touch-more-ever.
 

[2] Kuiper, Nicholas A., and Nicola McHale. "Humor styles as mediators between self-evaluative standards and psychological well-being." The Journal of Psychology 143.4 (2009): 359-376. Martin, Rod A., et al. "Individual differences in uses of humor and their relation to psychological well-being: Development of the Humor Styles Questionnaire." Journal of research in personality 37.1 (2003): 48-75. Hall, Jeffrey A. "Humor in long-term romantic relationships: The association of general humor styles and relationship-specific functions with relationship satisfaction." Western Journal of Communication 77.3 (2013): 272-292.