Your Relationship is your Greatest Asset
Are you a turtle or a chimp in your relationship?
I was reminded of Christian’s insight into these different personalities when we were meandering along the beautiful foreshore of the Sunshine Coast National Park. This is a unique place in Australia where two currents meet, two opposite sea temperatures, resulting in an abundance of sea life.
“Oh my gosh, a giant turtle!”
There below us in the turquoise, melt-in-your mouth sea, a giant turtle glided up to the surface for air.
I am the turtle in our relationship and I often need to come out of my shell for air. I’ll explain why later, but first let me describe Christian’s turtle and chimp profiles.
A turtle doesn’t talk about problems. If I pretend it’s not there, I don’t need to deal with it; maybe it will go away. It hides feelings in a shell and says nothing. A clever turtle can put on a show: pretend to have fun while feeling angry or hurt. A turtle gives the silent treatment, the cold shoulder. It keeps hurt and anger inside, bottled up, and pushed down. Alternatively, a turtle can be a loud and very social person, but it’s all a façade to keep feelings hidden.
A turtle may have a placid, peaceful and calm nature, but its lack of engagement can become stubbornness, avoidance and rudeness. A turtle is more likely to come from a family which was stoic, and where peace, consideration and order were valued.
A chimp on the other hand usually comes from a family which readily shared opinions and emotions, where jokes were made and people were spontaneous. It may come from a household full of arguing. When faced with conflict, a chimp will talk it out, nag it out, criticize it out, blame it out, and even fight it out. A chimp will let the other know just what a so-and-so they are and give them a piece of their mind. A chimp can be fun to be around when in a good mood, but when in a bad mood, it can become intrusive, obstreperous, blaming and annoying. (For more see Heim Relationship Asset 66).
I’ve talked about Christian’s chimpish ways before: annoying but loving. I’ve talked about my turtle behaviour before: avoidant but a good listener. I am attracted to Christian’s chimpiness and he is attracted to my turtle ways.
Of course you may be a turtle, you may be a chimp, you may alternate, be both, or be some sort of a turtle-chimp hybrid or mutant. Compared to your partner you may be a chimp, but with someone else you may be the turtle because they are a lot chimpier than you are. Or, as a turtle, you start looking very chimpy next to a turtle with a much thicker shell.
What has really helped me is understanding this dynamic in our relationship. There seems to be a great comfort in knowing and identifying different personalities. When I understood that Christian was a chimp, I was able to forgive him more, accept and even grow to love aspects of his chimpishness.
As I watched the turtle break the surface of the water, take a gulp of air and then soar with new-found energy and purpose into the luminous depths of the sea, I felt a deep joy. I realised that for many years I used to be lonely and controlling in my shell. Marrying a chimp was challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming at times. Early on I wanted to hide in my shell. Especially when he unknowingly used to do things in public or social situations that embarrassed me. I have since learnt the joy of living with a chimp.
We continued our walk. There are so many opposites on the coast: sea meets land, rock meets water, soft meets hard, warm meets cold. We laugh a lot; chimp around. I break the surface of my silence and come up for air. It is the air we both breathe: of acceptance, love and a celebration of our differences.
Do opposites attract? Yes, no and everything in between. The real question is, how do chimps and turtles dance together?
…More next time on chimps and turtles in love.
Welcome to our blog. Each blog contains an insight into your relationship and how to mend or grow it drawn from Christian's 18 years of clinical experience working in psychiatry. They are told as stories. The central ideas are in bold. All the pictures are originals. We post once a month. Looking forward to travelling with you in this amazing journey called life.